is that what I really wanted? No.

Daddy was there vibrating and narrating what it takes to be a good leader. Speaking of this, who doesn't want to be? but in my language, to be a good one, is to understand them, feel their feelings and be there for them. but in the adults philosophy, a good leader, is the one who expose their members, to organize many events or campaign to develop the students. Yes, by doing these it will definitely look good on ones resume, it will be a brilliant answer to a interview, but aren't these just fake? You forgot that the first thing to do, is to study well, get good grades. You need to know your limits, not taking up everything and messed up stuffs. Yes, it is important to expose, to develop your members, but it doesn't mean you should flunk your tests.
Maybe dad didn't really mean about the flunking part, but I know he wanted me to be the best. He wanted me to have a good or even better life, but he is stressing and pissing me off.

I pulled my guts together, tried not to cry. I was sitting there, telling him what I thing is really good for me, myself and it is to study well. Just for this year, I really want to do well. I really do, I think it's the key to the next level. I guess dad just forgot about it or he thought I was a super woman. Too bad I'm not. He said he could help, but trust me in the end, the shits are still yours to clean up. It isn't an easy one, why can't he get it?

What was his reaction when I express my thoughts after that? simple, he just walk away and give out a disappointing sigh.

I don't get it, why can't they just go with the flow? everything will be okay. They just narrate everything, not your dreams to be specific, but THEIR dreams, their so called PERFECT dream. Can't they just let me organize and do my stuffs? Don't ask me what can I do for the society, it's rather a stress out conversation. Trust me, when my parents ask me about what can I do about my society, I didn't feel I was talking with my parents, I felt I was talking with some kind of robots who think that their daughter are everything but imperfect. Could you believe it? I wanted to have a contented life, I know what I want, but when I tell my folks about it, they just think I was immature and naive.

They told me that I can do what I want. They lied. He knew I wanted so much to help in Africa, and he said, sure you can work as a social worker,then he added "......and when you get accidentally stung by some kind of insects and realize that you only have half a year or two months to live, what can I do? nothing, because it's your life" Can you believe it? maybe because he has loved me so much and didn't want me to be hurt physically or mentally, but it hurts even more when he criticize my thoughts and dreams. It hurts from the bottom of my heart. Daddy could have used a better way to express himself. I thought he is SO damn brilliant? at least brilliant enough to TRY to organize MY life and MY dreams.


pissed and disappointed you are to me,
and I'm sorry I'm no wonder woman.

To study in the top Unis are YOUR dreams not mine,
I'm sorry, I'm not perfect not even close to it.

Roxy.