is that what I really wanted? No.

Daddy was there vibrating and narrating what it takes to be a good leader. Speaking of this, who doesn't want to be? but in my language, to be a good one, is to understand them, feel their feelings and be there for them. but in the adults philosophy, a good leader, is the one who expose their members, to organize many events or campaign to develop the students. Yes, by doing these it will definitely look good on ones resume, it will be a brilliant answer to a interview, but aren't these just fake? You forgot that the first thing to do, is to study well, get good grades. You need to know your limits, not taking up everything and messed up stuffs. Yes, it is important to expose, to develop your members, but it doesn't mean you should flunk your tests.
Maybe dad didn't really mean about the flunking part, but I know he wanted me to be the best. He wanted me to have a good or even better life, but he is stressing and pissing me off.

I pulled my guts together, tried not to cry. I was sitting there, telling him what I thing is really good for me, myself and it is to study well. Just for this year, I really want to do well. I really do, I think it's the key to the next level. I guess dad just forgot about it or he thought I was a super woman. Too bad I'm not. He said he could help, but trust me in the end, the shits are still yours to clean up. It isn't an easy one, why can't he get it?

What was his reaction when I express my thoughts after that? simple, he just walk away and give out a disappointing sigh.

I don't get it, why can't they just go with the flow? everything will be okay. They just narrate everything, not your dreams to be specific, but THEIR dreams, their so called PERFECT dream. Can't they just let me organize and do my stuffs? Don't ask me what can I do for the society, it's rather a stress out conversation. Trust me, when my parents ask me about what can I do about my society, I didn't feel I was talking with my parents, I felt I was talking with some kind of robots who think that their daughter are everything but imperfect. Could you believe it? I wanted to have a contented life, I know what I want, but when I tell my folks about it, they just think I was immature and naive.

They told me that I can do what I want. They lied. He knew I wanted so much to help in Africa, and he said, sure you can work as a social worker,then he added "......and when you get accidentally stung by some kind of insects and realize that you only have half a year or two months to live, what can I do? nothing, because it's your life" Can you believe it? maybe because he has loved me so much and didn't want me to be hurt physically or mentally, but it hurts even more when he criticize my thoughts and dreams. It hurts from the bottom of my heart. Daddy could have used a better way to express himself. I thought he is SO damn brilliant? at least brilliant enough to TRY to organize MY life and MY dreams.


pissed and disappointed you are to me,
and I'm sorry I'm no wonder woman.

To study in the top Unis are YOUR dreams not mine,
I'm sorry, I'm not perfect not even close to it.

Roxy.

Reflections after all these days ( Part one )

What a long time since my last blog... ...What have I been doing? A lot, at least enough to keep me hectic after long hours of being awake everyday.
Biggest Reflections in these days:

Went to Davao, The Philippines to attend Grandpa's funeral. Sad I was. Yet I know that we, the family needed to be strong and move on. It's the only way, and the way it should be. I will work hard in my life. Remembering that little white dove that came to visit us the other day. Ate told us it is Grandpa's spirit. He came to visit us. He was a successful and somehow I would describe as a complicated entrepreneur. He had did so much in his life, he lived it to it's fullest and help those in needs, A role model I will say. He love his children and bring happiness to his grandchildren. A jolly grandpa and I love him so much. After his death, I know I must take good care and love grandma even more. I know how it felts to be lonely. I know how it felts. As a grand daughter, I will definitely want to take good care of her. I didn't took it as a responsibility, it was a piece of love that made me wanted to do it. Our guardian angel, Teacher Chong. Reading through her opinions that she had write for me, I cried. I missed her, I really do. She made me believe in myself and understand myself even more. She told me that I must study in Universities, as the things that I am interested in, will be skillful in Universities. Everyday in my life, the words that she said, her smiles will somehow just randomly pop up. And made me wanted to go further and work harder in life. It's like " memories of motivation " This two incident made me see more in life. The strong heroes that I had known, will also shed tears, just like any of us. and I, had witness it.

" When we were little kids,
fairy tales tell us that people do die,
but only the bad and naughty character.

When we get older,
we understand that people do die,
but it's heroes this time.

When we get mature,
we understand that people do die,
even the ones beside us.

Time and maturity made us even stronger,
made us understand and cherish not only our own lives,
but also others,
the people who we love always. "

Specially dedicated to everyone, " Live life! " no guarantee that we live twice. __________________________________________ Specially shout outs : " Stop comparing lives! its stupid and boring! You have 24 hours so do they, what is it to complain? How did you live it? that is more important than who gets the best dress and the best day out! " Traceline With love, Roxy.

Perfection and Beautiful.

The month of February has land its footsteps in our lives. How did the month January been? You might be asking yourself this question. Did you embrace that month and live to the fullest? or did you just let it flow with the current, and said Goodbye to it?

As for me, January had been a ride. Success and Failure, truth and lies, a new life and lives ending. Good or bad, I couldn't answer nor predict. All I can say is, it made me think deep, deeper than ever, harder than ever.


Life comes in many faces. I don't give complaints when it turns clumsy, crappy or ridiculously.
' I won't break down nor back off 'and that is a promise from myself to me, myself.

I never believe that things stay unchanged forever,
or even naively believe that people always stay,
I understand that changes are necessity.

" Perfection is not an aim,
Beautiful is a goal. " there is a fair line, if you ask me about Perfection and Beautiful. One makes you focus to make everything perfect and the other, makes you see the beauty in the things that you have.

I believe in God. I know he is always there, when I'm happy or feeling desperate. Thank you my mighty God for letting me see my life all over again. =)

peace and love,
Traceline.